I know many of you love the summer months, but for me, it is absolute hell with the lyme. I have come to actually dread July and August, and count down the days to the fall weather. It's just that it increases the symptoms, and lately, those lovely symptoms have been hand cramping (dropped a cup of tea the other day, as my hands couldn't grasp onto it), full body shaking, dizziness, sweats, and incredible fatigue. I just don't know at this point if I am ever going to get better. It's been a long time--try 5 years (2 more with the CFS), and I've tried so many treatments. I am on a drug holiday at the moment, as I need to regain my strength, but I feel like saying what strength? There isn't any. Sometimes I wonder if I should just cut my losses and just live with this, but at other times, I am pushed onward by some invisible force urging me to fight and never give up. I know that when I do fight, I am pretty sick, and there is a danger of me being hospitalized if it gets bad enough. I'd like to think I am strong enough to withstand that, but I'm not sure if I am. I just am sick of feeling guilty and apologizing to everyone who this illness affects--mostly everyone in my life. I didn't ask for this, and it's frustrating when it unlawfully intervenes in my life. Most people get it, and tell me not to worry and not apologize. I just feel like I need to, as their lives have been undoubtedly affected by this too. That's what I wish people would understand. It's not just the lyme patient that is affected. It's everyone in that patient's life who is affected. Sometimes I don't feel like pushing myself, yet I do anyway, to force some semblance of normality, and a life, whatever that is. I am strong most days, and look to the future with hope, but sometimes it's near impossible to do so. I cry, yes, and feel robbed of my life. I wonder how it would be if things were different and I had never gotten sick. Hard to imagine any other reality that the current one, but when I am by myself, my mind wanders. I don't want it defining my life, and I am sick to death of talking about it sometimes, but it's such a big part of my life right now. I know some people get sick of it or think I am being negative, but it helps me to talk about it and brainstorm different ideas for my eventual health. I'm supposed to see my lyme doctor next week and talk about different options. He/she is worried that it may be something else I am dealing with, in addition to the lyme. Geez, like there isn't enough going on in my body! I hope it isn't cancer. That is the thing. I always jump to the worst possible conclusion, and I do worry, as my immune system is basically non-existent, but it could be just the Babesia rearing its ugly head too. The summer months seem to bring on Babesia flares for me. I can't even go on long car rides, as it exacerbates my symptoms, much less drive a car. This is me just venting, but I AM SO SICK OF BEING SICK!!! It's gone on for far too long, and I'd like to be one of those success stories featured in the Lyme movie Under Our Skin. Why can't I get better, and when can it be my turn? Ok, there is my rant for the night. I'm going to try to get some sleep, although that has been a struggle lately as well. It doesn't help that zombie dog (aka Anna) is scratching like crazy and walking around in circles. Ugh..dumb dog. Anyway, hope that tomorrow is better in terms of symptoms. Hope everyone enjoys the rest of the weekend!
--Julie B.
